My blog

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This will be my blog. I don't have much to post.

I just feel really crappy like usual about myself. Anyways, I need to wash my hair really bad. I think I'll go do that soon.

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There is a cat outside that was abandoned a few months ago. He is limping and losing fur and weight. I e-mailed the Humane Society to see if they'll take him, but I would have to catch him, first. My mom will not let me bring him to the Humane Society, so I have to figure something else out. Maybe I'll post a few ads on the Myspace classifieds or something to get someone else to do it or something. I'll explain my situation, of course, or they might just think I'm too lazy. I'll also check on Petfinder to see if there are any local cat rescues that might capture him and take him in.

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After 4 weeks of not eating meat, I ate mashed potatoes with bacon in them. I didn't realize they had bacon until it was too late. I feel so guilty and crappy. My accomplishment of going without meat has been ruined. I feel so crappy.

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I have school tomorrow. I absolutely hate school so much. I always feel so depressed there. Gosh. I always feel sad. Well, not always, but most of the time. I just don't really like myself. Blehh...

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I almost thought my mom was going to look into my diary. She was cleaning my room and crap, and she supposedly lost them. I thought she took them, instead, and wanted to read what they say. The reason I didn't believe her when she said she lost them is because of something that happened during that night that might make her want to look into them. Long story. I'm not going to post on here what that is right now.

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I'm actually happy right now. For no reason . Today was a pretty crappy day like usual.

[dark2nightmare]

yay for being happy!

"The world needs more happy." - Leah

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Today. It's a good day so far . I had a band banquet. The food was quite good. I was stuffed quite fast. The coffee was quite good, except the last cup was cold and the good sugar was gone, so the last cup was disgusting lol. My friend Jenny mentioned about how I haven't been eating meat lol. I didn't know she knew lol. I forgot I posted it on my Youtube, and she was looking at it before lol. I might just be using "lol" too much, so I'll try to stop using it lol. I don't talk to Jenny much, but she's quite friendly and almost the exact opposite of me. She's EXTREMELY talkative and doesn't give a shit about what others think of her. I wish I were more like her. Right now, I am listening to a happy song, which is Hey Jude ^_^, because I'm happy right now for once .

Last night, my mom really got me sad and upset. She even sent me back to the car while we were in the grocery store. That at least let me calm down a bit until she came back. When she came back, she was breathing heavy, which is usually because she doesn't want to be bothered and showing she's pissed off >.<. She didn't say anything else to me that night. She did say to her brother, "It's not my fault someone doesn't like me." I went up to my room and wrote her a note about my thoughts of suicide. I may or may not give it to her. I don't know. I still have to write my reasons. She is going to find them SO SMALL.

When I was sleeping last night, I had a MCR dream lol. I'll post about it after I post about it on Mibba. LOL.

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This is way not going to work! I was in a good mood before. Well, I was almost getting to the sad mood again like usual, but each time I thought about something sad, I'd think to myself, "NO!!!" Now, I cannot stop and feel frustrated. Maybe if I listen to some music. This way won't work >.<.

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Music is helping a bit to calm me down. Maybe if I listen for a little I'll be back to normal. Well, my normal, not that that's good, but I'd rather be back to normal than like this.

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I am now a size 10. I hope I don't get too small, though. I'm not even trying at all. Well, I was like for the first month, but now I'm not. It's just happening. I'm not hungry as much anymore.

I have a lot to do this week. I have to do my research project and read my Harry Potter book for school. I have a band concert tomorrow. I'll probably have the mile run on Friday. I don't know, though, because last week we did nothing. Maybe it was the weather last week. I missed it before the day we had it last week. Maybe we did it then, but I missed. She'll probably make me do it by myself or something. In two weeks, I have finals. I have these last weeks to study for it. Then, June 16th is the last day of school. I probably won't go on that day, because they usually send report cards home. I'm way not doing as well as usual this quarter. I just stopped caring as much. Crap, I was busy with my research report that I forgot to study for the Spanish test that's tomorrow. Oh, well. I already know it, anyway. It's really just a review of one of the easiest lessons we've had all year.

I can't wait for vacation. I am going to Myrtle Beach the week of the 4th of July. Well, I am actually leaving June 27th. That's only a month away. That's the week after I get out of school. My cat, Sandy, might be staying with someone else for that week. At least she won't be alone. I hope she doesn't think we're abandoning her that week though, LOL. I hope she doesn't annoy the crap out of the guy who she MIGHT be going with. My mom hasn't asked the guy, yet. The cat needs her phenobarbital pills to control her seizures. That's why she has to stay with someone. She needs one twice a day.

I think my letter to my mom is almost ready. I am so worried, though. I might not give it to her. I don't know. The MCR guys would say to give it to her, though (LOL.)

Well, I seriously have to go to bed. Night.

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It all started as soon as I woke up. My mom was yelling at me to get up. I was having a really hard time getting up, because I was so tired. After a while, she was only giving me a few seconds to get up between the times she yelled at me. We got into an arguement. Then, we hit each other a few times, and I slammed the door shut. After a few minutes, she kicked me out. We got into an arguement again. Then, she kicked me out of the house and told me not to come back, so I left with a few things of mine.

After that, of course, I had the usual shit. I couldn't wait to get home, because I had a headache and felt sick. A bunch of times, I felt like falling asleep right where I was sitting. My throat was and still is itchy. Then, the school day was over.

My mom wasn't home, but of course my brother is agrees with EVERYTHING my mom does. He told me I couldn't come in. Well, he actually let me have something to eat and drink, but then my mom was home. I got out the door before she came. About an hour went by, and I asked her if I could at least come in to use the bathroom. She wouldn't let me. A few minutes after, my brother came to get me. He said that my mom needed me, and that it was very important. He told me that Pretzel was dead. I thought he was lying.

He wasn't, though. I came in and sat on the steps with my hands covering my ears, and I was crying so much. I didn't want it to be real. It's very hard to believe that Pretzel died. He was my first guinea pig. My mom let me hold him and walked away. It took me like a half and hour before I put him in the box he was going to be buried with him. I didn't want to let him go, but after a while, I figured I better, even though I didn't want to. My head hurts.

A few minutes ago, I walked downstairs to see my mom, because I was extremely upset about Pretzel. She just kept going on about something that went on yesterday between her and another kid's mom. After that, she was talking about what happened this morning and tried to make me feel guilty about what I did. Well, at least that's what I think. She kept on saying about how she was a terrible mom and shit.

Right now, I have a headache, and I'm really tired.

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Today was a piece of crap like usual. I'm really worried about that guinea pig at Petdumb. The Humane Society e-mailed me today and said they were going to check the guinea pigs out tomorrow. I asked them if they could tell me how it goes, and they said they could. I'll keep you guys up to date as much as possible. I was almost crying over him today at school. Well, I did cry a bunch of times over a bunch of things, and I think he was one of them. Nobody saw me crying, though. I keep myself quiet when I cry.

Speaking of crying, the video for Never Too Late almost made me break down in tears. I did cry, but I was silent. I didn't cry that much. Well, for me it was quite a bit. I just don't want anyone asking what's wrong or anything. If I were to cry at school and people saw, do you realize how bad I'd be made fun of? I've already been made fun of for crying at school before.

When I got home, I was experimenting with make-up to see how I'd look. I put light-blue eyeshadow on one eye and black on another. I don't think it made me look more of a freak than I already am but unique. I tried to get pictures, but I suck at getting pictures at myself. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow if I remember.

I finally found out the grade I got for my poetry book. I got an A+ on creativity and an A+ on the poetry. She wrote on the piece of paper "You are a poet." That put a smile on my face. Speaking of poems, I wrote some more today and posted them on here. I recommend you at least checking a few of them out.

I really miss Pretzel, but I have worse stressers to waste my energy on than grieving. It sucks when you cannot even grieve for your dead guinea pig who was your favorite. Last week was the week from Hell, especially the weekend. As soon as I got up on Friday, it sucked. There was NO happiness in that day whatsoever. My mom woke me up. She gave me 20 minutes to wake up, but she doesn't understand how hard it is for me to wake up. After a while, she didn't give me a second in between her yellings to wake up. We eventually got into a hitting-and-yelling fight. It wasn't hard hitting, though.

After that, she kicked me out. I was quite early for the bus, so I wrote about it in my diary. I felt pretty crappy during the school-day like usual, but I couldn't wait to get home. I thought for sure she would've calmed down by then, but she didn't. I walked around aimlessly for a few hours.

Then, my brother was sent to get me. He told me something incredibly unbelievable. He told me that Pretzel was dead. I laughed and thought he was lying. I came home and went to go up the stairs. I heard my mom sounding sad, so I just lied on the stairs, crying with my fingers stuck in my ears. All I thought was, "This day was all just a nightmare! It HAS to be!" It wasn't. After a while, I had to face the music-- Pretzel was dead. He was my favorite guinea pig of all. He was the first one I've ever had. I held onto the dead guinea pig corpse for about a half hour. I kept looking at him. I kissed his dead face a few times. Eventually, I had to force myself to put him in the box that he was going to be buried in. I pulled out some of his hair and taped it to my diary like I did with a few others that passed away into the mysterious unknown world of death. It's just so hard to believe that he is gone from this grotesque world forever. It seems like I just adopted him from my neighbor who didn't give a damn about him. About two to three weeks ago, I had him outside. Him and Cookie, another guinea pig who just passed away, they enjoying some grass together. I had the others out before them. Whenever I walked away, Pretzel followed. I had him running around the whole yard. It was so fun. Every time when we were sitting on the couch together, and my mom went to get him vegetables, he'd jump off the couch for the kitchen where the vegetables are. He was special to me. I can't believe he's dead and gone. He's what started my love for guinea pigs. If I didn't receive him from the neighbor, I probably would've never found the sites about going vegetarian, either. He meant a lot to me, but he'll never walk the Earth with his furry, adorable body again. Maybe his spirit will protect me, though. He'll carry on in my heart and mind0, the only places he exists anymore.

That brings me up this moment . Ugh. Fuck, this weekend sucked. I got kicked out of the house, had a fight with my mom, saw a sick guinea pig at Petdumb that might die, my OWN guinea pig died, and I still had all the other crap in my life. Also, I forgot to mention that my homework was piled up this weekend. I didn't read my book, though, so I'll have to accept a zero on it. I was just too stressed out to do it. Time is going lightning-fast, and my feet are cemented to the ground.

I better get to bed, because it's almost one o'clock! I have Finals next week, but I'm not going to stress myself out over them too much. I'll concentrate on surviving, instead ( seriously.) I'm not going to mention much of that. Just suicidal thoughts, because I'm a big cry-baby. I want to tell my mom about it, but I don't want to give her any sort of negative thoughts.

Also, on this 4sight thing my school did, I got only basic for the 2nd time we took the test. For the first time, I got Proficient and the 3rd Advanced. I hope I don't get put into special classes for that time I only got basic. It really upset me even worse than I was already upset.

I forgot to mention that my cat had a seizure, even though she is on phenobarbital. Maybe she didn't eat her pill or something. Instead of doing it how I'm supposed to, I just shove the pill in her mouth. When I get up, my mom has already fed her. I don't get why she doesn't feed her the pill. The pill could've been spit out or dropped out of her mouth. I hope that's the case, though. When I got home, she was drooling. Maybe she's just stressed, though. I don't know.

Well, good night.

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Yesterday, I accidentally scratched my brother, so my mom slapped me pretty hard. There was a big hand mark on my leg after she hit me. I know I shouldn't have, but I hit her back. Of course, that didn't end well, because she is my mom and crap and "has all the right" to do that, according to her ( and she's probably right.) I cried for a bit yesterday, because I'm just a big baby. I fell asleep for a few minutes while listening to Cemetery Drive and Vampires Will Never Hurt You by MCR. Then, I turned my MP3 player off, took off my glasses, and fell asleep until 9. I woke up, gave the cat her medicine, fed the pigs, washed up, and went to bed again.

Today, I still felt tired and emotionless . Well, there was emotion here and there but that's about all.

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I just found a bunch of fleas on Sandy. Ugh. My mom is going to buy her some stuff at the pet store tomorrow. This also means I have to treat the guinea pigs, because they probably have fleas, too. This sucks.

I had an orthodontist appointment today, and it went good and fast.

Today, I had a half-day. I had my math final today. Both my Advanced English and history finals tomorrow, and I still haven't studied a BIT for them. I couldn't care less about my history final. I have almost a straight hundred in that class, anyway. I don't need to worry TOO much about my English final, but I got a C this quarter, because I didn't finish my Harry Potter book. I just didn't have enough time. Stupid time.


If anyone has Mibba, my new user name is xxxland.hermiexxx. I had to change it, because I was banned from the chat from flooding. Before, it was xxxlandxhermiexxx.