My blog

[xXxAnG.eLaxXx]

I have an urge to tell people stuff on a chat room, but I don't want to ruin the chat room. Ugh. It's so hard to keep this in. So hard. SO fuckin' hard. I'm so sick of this. I fuckin' hate this. I deserve to die, though. Before, I was thinking about using lead from my lead pencils to kill myself. I read that it doesn't kill you, though. Ugh. I'm so crazy. I want to die. ugh. I'm just rambling on. Sorry. I can't help it. I really didn't want to do this on here, but I can't help it. Mentally crippled. I'm not strong. I'm weak. My mom doesn't give a fuckin' shit. Shit. Shit. shit.Fuck me. I need to stop living.Suffocate. I feel so unlovable. A rejected, grotesque monster. Fuckin' die!

Sorry.

[xXxAnG.eLaxXx]

I'm supposed to be going on vacation already. Ugh. I was supposed to leave hours ago. >.< It's a 14-hour drive, and I want to actually get there on time! >.<

[xXxAnG.eLaxXx]

A bunch of jerks outside the door were throwing the exercise balls from the exercise room at the door. Someone also opened the door and put the trash can in front of it, so the door would stay open. I can't believe this. Someone is also opening and closing the door. Someone just said, "Stop it, or she's going to tell or something." Ugh. I cannot believe this. I fuckin' hate this. I'm so sick of being bullied. Ugh, it fuckin' sucks. I wish people would leave me the fuck alone. Forever. Also, after I told them my name, they are now calling me "Sarabeth." They are also bothering me about them getting on. Anyways, I'm going to submit this, so they don't see it if they come in.

[xXxAnG.eLaxXx]

I haven't posted on here in months.

Sandy might run out of phenobarbital pills, because the vet has to call them in. Two days ago when she needed them, the vet didn't call them in. The pharmacist gave her two pills, so she didn't have seizures. If they aren't called in by tomorrow, Sandy will definitely have a seizure. She only has one for tonight, and she needs one for the morning. There is no way to get the pills before the morning, so she might have a seizure while I'm at school. I'm so worried. The vet better call them in tomorrow, or she might have more than one seizure. Does the vet not get that she NEEDS the pills? Wait, that's a stupid question, because she's the VET.

Anyways, I'm going to Petsmart.

[xXxAnG.eLaxXx]

I was going to post this in the venting section, but since there are a few happy parts of it, I won't.


I woke up happy today. I worked on my art project. Then, my mom called to tell me to get ready and crap, so my mom, brother, and I could go to the store. I forgot that she said that, and I was instead on my computer. When she came home, she yelled at me for not being ready and told me that I had five minutes to get ready, or she'd just leave without me.

Anyways, my mom tried to pay her bill, but they now only accept money orders or checks. It was already late.

We then went to a shop near the place my mom tried to pay the bill. I found some vegan rice crispy-like things that are only 100 calories, so I asked my mom if I could get them. She let me. They are actually pretty good but don't taste exactly like the rice-crispy treats with the real marshmallow in them. They're still pretty good,and I ate the whole box. I've been eating too much junk food, though, ever since I got a cold late last week. I need to start eating good food again.

Then we went to eat with someone else. It took an hour for us to get our food. In the meantime, we talked about whatever, and one of the things we talked about was the economy. That depressed me quite a bit. Ugh.

Finally, we got our food. It actually tasted good. We ate for a while, until my mom found a piece of plastic in her food. We refused to pay for the food because of this.

Then, we went to Petsmart (ugh!) to see what kind of lizards they have, because my brother wants one. How can my mom buy another animal when she cannot even afford the vet for the rest? Ugh! Stupid woman! Anyways, my brother decided on getting two corn snakes. They're actually pretty cool. Too bad my mom and brother will be supporting one of the worst pet store chains in the world.

Anyways, then we went to Home Depot to look for some rocks for the back yard, but they had none. We then went a pet store and instead used the gravel from there.

The last place we went to was the grocery store. I felt quite depressed there, but I forget why. Anyways, I didn't want to be with my mom or anyone else at all. Wait, I think it was something my brother said that upset me so much. Anyways, when my mom asked me about a stuffed animal, I didn't want to come to her to look at it. I hesitated a bit but decided to check it out, but it was too late before I even got to move my foot. She yelled at me, turned around, and pushed her cart into the next aisle or something to get away from me. I just began moping around the store. When my brother saw me, he said, "Why do you have to be so mean to Mom?" Then, he began to chase me a bit. Well, we were actually both walking, until he gave up. I then continued my moping, until my brother told me that we were leaving. I then found where my mom was and sat in line with her. I seriously felt like killing myself.

When we were in the car and leaving the parking lot, my mom shouted at me, "If you are too embarrassed to be with me, don't come shopping with me anymore!" or something like that. Then, I shout back, "Why the Hell do you make so many assumptions?" or something. She then continued to yell at me. I began to think about hanging myself or slitting my wrists. I was crying silently for a bit, too. I then decided that I was going to tell someone about my suicidal thoughts, but I wasn't sure exactly what I was going to do. I was thinking about calling someone, but I'm way too afraid to do that. I decided that I am. going to give my mom a note like I planned to a while ago. I don't know if I have the guts to actually do that, though, but I know I have to stop having these thoughts somehow, and I cannot do it myself.

Anyways, this post sucked, and I'm so freakin' tired >.<

[dark2nightmare]

O.O what kind of note are talking about?

this is weird, i mean like...its weird that your mom would be like that...X-x...

you probably should have just said you didn't want to look at the toy. shit, i probably just made you feel worse...

sometimes i wish i could help you...